The plan that could not fail – to win the lottery – somehow failed. Our work syndicate did not win. I am told some greedy woman scooped the jackpot for herself. Bitch.

I have some fantastic news to announce. I have won the lottery. Well, not quite yet. But I will do.

We have a syndicate at work, involving 31 tickets being purchased. How can we possibly lose?

In addition to this, we also have two Euromillions tickets. This is because we were originally supposed to buy 33 tickets, but somebody put a Euro coin into the money jar, leaving us a quid short. As we could only buy 31 tickets (still more than enough to win the lottery), we had a spare pound, which was used to purchase a scratch card. This scratch card won £5. So, while we were effectively £4 up on the deal. Still with me? This money was used to buy two Euromillions tickets.

I don’t want to be greedy, but I’m pretty sure that we’re definitely going to win both lotteries!

After just five days back at work, it feels like I never had annual leave a week ago! Feeling very tired this Friday night. Can I have another week off?

My colleagues in the neighbouring office are discussing what bird of prey is the easiest to train. 

I suffered a terrible accident yesterday. I know that last sentence makes it sounds like I lost a limb. It wasn’t that bad, but not far off. When opening my backpack, to get my lunch, I discovered lots of fluid. I initially thought that my orange had gone mouldy and imploded into itself. What I discovered was a lot worse than a citrus fruit, which had gone bad. My can of cherry coke had exploded. A gaping hole on the top of the can, caused the contents to spill absolutely everywhere.

As I pulled the contents from my backpack, coke spilt everywhere – all over me, all over the desk, all over the floor. A puddle was quickly growing on the carpet, making it look like an elderly relative had paid a visit and failed to make it to the toilet in time. Luckily, all this occurred in my old team’s office, where I decided to eat my lunch that afternoon. Therefore, I avoided upsetting my new team in the neighbouring area.

To get my coke fix, I asked a colleague to buy me a bottle of drink. Remarkably, this was spilt all over my desk. when I knocked it with my arm, later that day. I think from now on I should only be allowed to drink from a baby’s beaker.