Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on November 5, 2019 at 11:50 pm in Work Activities with No Comments


Today was my first day off since dropping my hours and going part time.

This day off is known, within the department,  as a “non-working day”. Smart arses may argue that I have five of these a week already.

This “NWD”, however, allows me to stay at home, wearing my pyjamas all day, should I so wish. Of course, that would be incredibly slobbish behaviour and something I would not be a part of. Honest…

Today’s pyjama party was lovely, although I am now confused about what to call it, or the days either side…

Tuesday is now like a weekend for me – as that will be the day I have been allowed to skive off every week.

Therefore, Mondays are the new Friday – as a weekend always follows Friday.

Wednesday – as in tomorrow – will now be called Monday – as the day after the weekend is always a Monday.

Monday is traditionally a day where everyone is depressed about having to return to work, spending most of the morning drinking coffee, chatting with equally melancholy colleagues and browsing the endless “Deal of the Day” pages on Amazon.

A coffee machine like this at work? I wish!

Therefore, for me at least, the traditional Wednesday is now Monday. Makes perfect sense. Even Wayne Rooney could understand it.

This just leaves one question… if Monday has now become Friday, what will the existing Friday – i.e. Friday 8th November (this week) – become?

I suppose that the most logical and sensible thing to do, would be to have Friday I and Friday II.

I can’t think of any other way of handling the situation.

My new week
Friday I
Pyjamaday
Monday
Tuesday
Friday II
Saturday
Sunday

Posted by sean on October 30, 2019 at 2:08 pm in Work Activities with No Comments


Introducing the Office Bunny!

Yes, that is Shaun the Sheep peering up at the camera. He had been sitting on top of my computer for the past 5+ years, but was kicked off his throne this morning by Rabbit Di Nero.

I am aware that sharing my workspace with a stuffed, life size rabbit could be considered a tad excessive. As a result, I know that I am running the risk of coming into work one morning, to find this mouse mat on my desk…

Posted by sean on October 29, 2019 at 8:52 am in Health, Work Activities with No Comments


This week is my last working five days

Monday to Friday is over for me.

From next week, I will no longer be working Tuesdays.

Dropping a day is not a decision that I took lightly. It will obviously have financial implications for me, plus now I have signed that change of conditions form, there is no going back.

You will probably be aware, either from either knowing me, or reading this blog, that I have had a particularly tough time, when it comes to my health over the last two years.

Thankfully, I have come out of the other side and am now much improved. Despite this, I still find work tiring and by the end of a five day week, am often left shattered.

I have noticed that, following a single day off work for a Bank Holiday, I feel remarkably better and less tired, come Friday evening.

I am therefore hoping that this new working schedule will leave me feeling even better, both physically and mentally.

Lastly, a treat for stats fans…

  • I have worked since 1st September 2003.
  • This is 16 years, plus a little bit more.
  • I have deduced days in account of weekends, Bank Holidays and annual leave and can reveal that I have worked appropriately 3,500 days *. This does not include deductions for sickness.

Pretty sure this justifies me in dropping one day a week…

26,250 hours, 1,575,000 minutes, 94,500,000 seconds.

… tomorrow I will tell you how many weeks I spent on the work toilet, over those last 16 years.

Considering that I have never worked for Sports Direct, you can be sure that the grand total will be a tad more than five minutes.

Posted by sean on October 27, 2019 at 6:21 pm in Spiders, Work Activities with No Comments


The clocks have now gone back, I had a good night’s sleep and have now settled down to blog the second installment of my Friday Frights, while Claire watches Liverpool play Spurs.

Where did we finish off last night? Oh yes, I had cleaned Neil Warnock and nursed him back to full, loud health. No idea what I am on about? Read this.

Let’s forget about Neil Warnock for this post and move onto the second scare I had at work. A scare, which I like to call, a ‘Friday Fright’.

Unlike dropping an ear bud onto a dirty bathroom floor, this ‘FF’ really was a moment of terror!

There couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes before the end of the day, and indeed the end of the week, when I saw it…

I had not seen it before. At first I thought it was a bit of string or a mark on the wall. It could have even been a bit of dirt – the IT Department isn’t the cleanest of locations.

I then realised, to my horror, what the mark on the wall really was, and the reason why I had not seen it before. The reason why I had not noticed the marking until Friday afternoon, was because it hadn’t been there before. Not there because the thing on the wall had legs – eight to be exact – and had previously not walked/crawled into my workspace territory.

There was no way I was going to deal with the eight-legged freak – anybody who knows me, or reads this blog will be fully aware of that! I purposely give spiders a wide berth. My two colleagues share my hate of the things, so there was no chance of me calling upon them for aid. Even if I was a spider lover, catching the thing would involve climbing up onto the table. Asking me to perform such a feat would be a wasted effort – you may as well suggest I conquer Everest, such is the impossible nature of the challenge.

A helpful colleague from another area of the office appeared. Clearly hearing my cowardly wimpers, they had made their way to my workspace, to see if they could help rescue me from the cause of my peril – I.e. catch the spider.

I was warned that it may not be possible to catch the spider, as it had positioned itself in the safety of a gap in the wall. What’s worse, is if the monster was disturbed and knocked from the wall, it could fall onto my desk or the floor! Horror of horrors!

Now thankfully BANNED by the British Board of Film Classification.

If the spider is hiding on the wall, I know where it is – despite hating the fucking thing. If it becomes lost under a pile of papers on my desk, or on the floor, I would forever be on edge, waiting to be attacked, as a spider runs up my arm or trouser leg.

It was decided that the safest thing for everyone involved, sadly including the spider, was to leave it well alone and hope it dies, or decides to go back to where it came from – how very Brexit!

Ever wondered why the European Union don’t seem bothered about the UK leaving?

I was happy with this. My positivity was certainly helped by the fact that I was going home for the weekend and I was able to forget about the scary creature for a couple of days.

Those couple of days are now over. I am due back at my desk in the morning. The spider will be waiting for me. Gulp…

Posted by sean on October 27, 2019 at 12:55 am in Work Activities with No Comments


I normally enjoy Fridays in the office. I feel that whatever happens across the eight or so hours that I spend at my desk, come 4.30pm, it is the weekend and I am out of there!

Each Friday, I wake up, telling myself that absolutely nothing can go wrong to ruin my day…

The computer system could allow a locum doctor to accidentally update every patient record, stating that they have myxomatosis. I’d fix the mistake, quickly and professionally *, with a friendly smile on my face.
* or ask somebody senior; ensuring that I take no offence when they reply “oh, for ***** sake!”

A secretary could accidentally and inadvertently expose a software security hole, unknown to everyone; before proceeding to unwittingly wipe the entire system and erase everything. I would just shrug and calmly accept that “these things happen”. Hakuna Matata *
* easy for me, really. I wouldn’t be the one expected to fix the mess.

The point of these examples is that whatever metaphorical excrement is thrown at me come the end of the week, I will be a lot less stressed by the situation, as the weekend is just around the corner.

However…

There was always going to be that word. Why else would I have taken the time to write this blog post?

The first of my two ordeals, or ‘Friday Frights’ (rather fitting with Halloween next week), involved an accident in the toilet – the location of most accidents! Thankfully, in my case, my “accident” was considerably less dirty than you are no doubt imagining.

A couple of months ago, one of my wireless earphones mysteriously vanished. The earphones are like Ant and Dec, in that one doesn’t work without the other. Seriously – it’s true. Due to keeping one ear free, in order to hear what’s going on in the office, I have only ever used one of the two ear buds (or whatever they’re called) at a time. Therefore, despite losing one of the buds (Ant), I was disappointed that the other bud (Dec) was useless and didn’t do a job alone.

Dec sans Ant

I therefore decided to invest in a new pair of earphones. They work better than the old set, have superior sound quality and come with a battery pack, so become recharged, without the need to be plugged into a power source. I still believe that one bud won’t run without the other, but cannot use the Ant and Dec analogy again, and am struggling to think of another. I’ll name them after former-Leeds United manager, Neil Warnock, and the goalkeeper, Paddy Kenny, who used to follow him to whatever club he would end up at. Neil can be the right ear Paddy the left.

Back to the toilet. I found myself in the work bathroom, answering a call of nature. While washing my hands, disaster struck! One of the buds fell out of my ear! It was Neil Warnock! My hand reached out in an attempt to try and catch the falling earphone, but only managed to help Warnock on his way towards the filthy floor – thankfully missing the toilet bowl!

Neil Warnock was on a floor of filth and dirt. I would normally find such a sentence hilarious; but as it does mly refer to the football manager, instead, a device that I place inside my ear, I was less than impressed with the mishap. To make things more annoying, Warnock shouldn’t have been in my ear anyway! I never wear earphones when going to the toilet, due to the risk of losing them, so I was understandably displeased.

I managed to rescue dirty Neil, using a handful of toilet paper, before returning to my desk, in order to get on with my work and have a think about how to sterilise Warnock of every disease and virus known to man, without infecting myself.

Bloody hell, Neil! You’re filthy.

I discovered to my relief, that the earphones I had purchased were waterproof. The product description boasts how you can wear them in the shower. Surely this means that I can give Warnock a much needed wash?

I placed Neil in a used water bottle, before adding soap and warm water. I then shook the bottle, before emptying its contents. I washed Warnock under a tap, before sticking him under a hand dryer.

It is probably fair to say that Neil Warnock is now cleaner than Paddy Kenny!

It was time to test my cleaning skills and to see if the product description on Amazon was lying. I started to listen to Warnock, by playing Spotify through my mobile. I could certainly hear the music, but Neil Warnock was really, really quiet – something which football fans will find very ironic, considering the ear bud’s namesake is anything but!

Back home, I undressed Neil Warnock, as I suspected that he, I mean “it”, was still wet from his (its) earlier wash. Stripping Warnock was easy. Putting the rubber covering back on was an almost impossible challenge – although I eventually achieved it.

The good news is that Neil Warnock is back to being as loud as ever. The ear bud is working again too!

Time has beaten me, and despite the clocks going back tonight, gifting us all an hour, I need to get to sleep asap.

Rest assured, I will return to write up the second Friday Fright – and this was a genuine scare!

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