Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on November 16, 2018 at 1:42 pm in Life In Bath, Work Activities with No Comments


Upon leaving my house for work, this morning, I discovered that, just feet from my front door, somebody had left a small, sealed black bag. Presumably, this bag was filled with dog poo – at least if it was excrement, I hope it came from a dog and not some neighbour with a broken toilet.

How lazy is that? The dog owner goes to the effort of picking up his pet’s waste (one reason that I will never own a dog*), only to leave it in the street, where it was presumably originally dropped from the creature’s anus.

* yes, I own a rabbit and yes, I do come into contact with his droppings. In my defence, rabbit poo is not messy, stinky or crawling with parasites that blind children. I also don’t have to degrade myself by bending down, to pick up Roman’s poop from the pavement.

The owner shouldn’t have bothered picking up the crap. That’s not to say I don’t deplore the selfish people who leave their dog’s vile, toxic waste all over the street.

Had the raw poo been left, it would have washed away in the rain and eventually decomposed. Leaving it wrapped up, like some horrible children’s party bag, it’ll never decompose and sit outside my house forever more, or until somebody – odds on, not the dog’s owner – disposes of it.

I bet the bag is still there when I return from work, and I bet I run over it with my scooter, having not seen it in the dark.

My morning drama was not over. Thankfully, I managed to arrive at work unscaved. Having evaded the bag of effluence, there were other hazards to deal with, including small children on bikes, adults transfixed by their mobile phones and therefore not looking where they were going, along with vast piles of wet leaves on the pavement.

Bath and North East Somerset Council have no doubt decided to ignore the leaves, rather than paying someone the minimum wage to sweep them up. No doubt ignorance is the cheapest option for my local authority, who are willing to take the risk of getting sued by a little old lady, having smashed her hip to pieces, after slipping on the rotting vegetation.

Having survived an adventure to work, similar to that of a Lord of the Rings novel, I was surprised to arrive early at my desk.

With it being a Friday, I decided to push the boat out and make myself a coffee. Unfortunately, the boat wasn’t the only thing I pushed – my mug, filled with the remains of yesterday afternoon’s coffee, tipped over, as I reached for it. Stale, cold coffee went everywhere. It is amazing how just a small amount of leftover beverage could make such a bloody mess!

Yesterday, my custom built office chair arrived. I have been waiting since April for this chair, which cost over a grand. The second most expensive chair in the country (after The Queen’s throne), avoided being showered in coffee, by literally centre meters.

Cue a quick dash on my mobility scooter to the kitchen, to collect paper towels. I am normally such a careful driver, but in this instance, I would have happily mowed anyone down at four miles per hour, in my attempt to clean my desk.

Half a tree of paper and a bottle of Dettol later, my workspace was clean. No doubt vast quantities of my spillage fell onto the floor; but as a department, we have practically destroyed the office carpet, with drinks and various bodily fluids, during the four years we have occupied the building.

Hopefully there will be no more messy disasters today and I will make it to the weekend unscathed. I doubt it…

Posted by sean on October 26, 2018 at 2:48 pm in Video Games, Work Activities with No Comments


I may have only juat returned work, following a 5 month absence, but I am already plotting a way to get away early…*

The video game, Red Dead Redemption 2, is out today and I can’t wait to play it. The last time I was this excited about a game’s release date was Grand Theft Auto 4. I went to Asda to collect it at midnight. The only reason that I am not doing the same with RDR2, is because… I am now married, I now have a life, I now enjoy sleep and I am now no longer a virgin.

Just to emphasise just how excited I am about the game – I pre ordered it from Amazon in 2016. All those nerds who queued in Asda last night are now saying that I have “out-geeked” them – and they would be right.

The prized game will no doubt arrive while I am at work. It’ll be a long wait until 4.30pm, when I finish for the weekend.

I therefore need an lie, I mean EXCUSE, so that I can leave the office early…

  • Tell everyone that I have to attend a clinic for genital warts.
  • Make up an elderly relative who I am very close to, just never mentioned. Then say that they’ve unexpectedly died.
  • Say that I am needed in an emergency, in my second job – a male prostitute.
  • If the above fails, actually soil myself.
  • My mate Tommy Robinson needs me to be his character witness in court.
  • The “second job” excuse again. This time, a dog sperm collector.
  • My rabbit has a rash all over his body and needs to go to the vets this afternoon.
  • My neighbour’s dog has a rash all over his body and needs to go to the vets this afternoon.
  • I have a rash all over my body and need to go to the vets this afternoon.
  • I had relations last night and need to collect a morning after pill.
  • My cryogenic freezer is going to be delivered today.
  • I am getting married this afternoon.
  • I am in court for bigamy this afternoon.
  • I’ve left the gas on.
  • I’ve left the electric fire on.
  • I’ve left the freezer on.
  • I kneed 2 go 2 a klass 2 inprove mi Inglish
  • My head hurts.
  • My hair hurts.
  • My toe nails hurt.
  • My horse needs to be taken to some water and made to drink.
  • I am on the run and have a $10,000 bounty on my head.**
  • I need to collect my sedation pills.
  • I really need to collect my sedation pills.
  • I F***ING NEED MY F***ING PILLS, RIGHT F***ING NOW.
  • I am going to win the lottery tomorrow and need to collect my winnings.
  • I have a trial at Liverpool.
  • I’m on trial in Liverpool.
  • My grandmother needs me now. She wants me to show her how to suck eggs.

* in case any of my colleagues are reading this, firstly GET BACK TO WORK! Secondly, of course I’m not really planning on ways to bunk off early! I’m far too gutless for that.

Posted by sean on October 18, 2018 at 11:37 pm in Work Activities with No Comments


After taking over five months off work, I finally returned yesterday. After two half days back in the office, it feels like I have never been away!

Having completely destroyed my old desk, before I became poorly, I was given a brand new table to sit at, in a different area of the room.

I may have slightly exaggerated back there. My old desk wasn’t completely killed, although it wasn’t far off. The reason for my new seating arrangement was to get me working with a better posture and keeping me well. I am sure my department don’t want me falling ill for almost half a year again, any more than I do!

Moving desks was almost as bad as moving house. I have accrued so much crap over the years – 99% of it in no way work-related.

Here are some of the most useless finds from my old desk.

  • A 2017 Leeds United calendar
  • About half a dozen coffee mugs
  • Packets of out-of-date food
  • Enough medication to open a chemist
  • Pins, used Post-It notes and loose staples
  • Back issues of the staff newspaper
  • An old air fresher
  • An empty bottle of hand gel
  • Loads and loads of pens
  • A USB stick with nothing on it
  • Old headphones
  • An old, broken headset which I’ve never used
  • Coffee that looks so stale, it’ll be deadly if consumed

You would have thought that I would have thrown all of this shit in the bin. I haven’t. Besides the old food, most of it still remains – even the dodgy coffee…

Posted by sean on January 22, 2018 at 11:11 pm in Work Activities with No Comments


The plan that could not fail – to win the lottery – somehow failed. Our work syndicate did not win. I am told some greedy woman scooped the jackpot for herself. Bitch.

Posted by sean on January 19, 2018 at 10:16 pm in Work Activities with No Comments


I have some fantastic news to announce. I have won the lottery. Well, not quite yet. But I will do.

We have a syndicate at work, involving 31 tickets being purchased. How can we possibly lose?

In addition to this, we also have two Euromillions tickets. This is because we were originally supposed to buy 33 tickets, but somebody put a Euro coin into the money jar, leaving us a quid short. As we could only buy 31 tickets (still more than enough to win the lottery), we had a spare pound, which was used to purchase a scratch card. This scratch card won £5. So, while we were effectively £4 up on the deal. Still with me? This money was used to buy two Euromillions tickets.

I don’t want to be greedy, but I’m pretty sure that we’re definitely going to win both lotteries!

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