Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on July 7, 2019 at 8:43 pm in Work Activities with 1 Comment


I’ve mentioned problems with the office lift on here before. However, I do not believe that I have blogged about how slow it is.

The trouble begins before I have even got into the lift cubicle (elevator cab, for my American homies).

The doors to enter and exit the cubicles are made of glass and metal. They are very, very heavy. The gold vaults at Fort Knox can’t be much more cumbersome.

Getting out of the lift is the easy part. I am able to use the front of my scooter to ride into the door, forcing it open – like a battering ram.

Luckily, there is often a colleague loitering downstairs, or on the first floor by the toilets (perfectly innocently), who is kind enough to open the lift door for me.

Once securely inside, I must operate the lift by pressing the ground or 1st floor button. Pretty standard? Wrong. Did I mention that you need to keep your finger on the button for the entire ascent or descent?

Last and by no means least, the lift is also the slowest in the world. It would almost be quicker for me to crawl up and down the stairs.

As I am a saddo/weirdo/geek (delete as appropriate), I timed my lift journey from the ground to 1st floor…

33 seconds!

I wonder how I would cope if I worked in a larger building, which used the same lift…

The recently built One World Trade Centre, in New York, has 104 floors. In case you are not aware, the OWTC was built as a memorial for the World Trade Centre. The top floor of OWTC is a mechanical room, so let’s just say that I need to get to the One World Observatory, on the 102nd floor…

Time to ascend 102 floors = 3,366 seconds. Or 56 minutes and 6 seconds. By a creepy coincidence, 56 minutes is the length of time the original South Tower took to fall, after being hit by Flight 175, on September 11th 2001.

Thankfully my office only has one floor to climb.

What about somewhere closer to home? The Shard in London? I’ve stood at the foot of the building, but am yet to go inside. I like the idea of going to the top floor…

The Shard has 95 floors. Hopefully their lift is better than the one at work, as it would take over 52 minutes to reach the top.

Finally the tallest building in the world. The Burj Khalifa in Dubai. At 828 meters tall, it boasts 154 floors. That’s 85 minutes to climb the tower.

Going up and back down the Burj Khalifa would see you holding onto that floor button for almost 3 hours – resulting in a serious case of RSI. Your visa for Dubai will have probably run out too.

Despite this blog post, I am not really moaning about the lift at work. I wouldn’t be able to get to my desk without it, as I sadly haven’t learnt how to ride my mobility scooter up and down stairs.

I wouldn’t say that the lift is a lifesaver – it moves far too slowly to be of benefit in a matter of life or death – but it is certainly a job saver!

Posted by sean on April 29, 2019 at 10:57 pm in Work Activities with No Comments


What an utterly fabulous way to start a working week!

The departmental lift, which makes it possible to get to my desk, on the first floor, and do my job, broke down today.

To make matters worse, the lift decided it would pack up shop and stop working, after it had transported me to the first floor.

I was trapped. Held hostage in the IT department, by an infernal glass tank, whose sole purpose is to go up and down, up and down, up and down, all day. It had one job to do*, and it couldn’t even manage that.

* OK, two jobs. Going up AND going down.

As the day went on, with morning turning into afternoon, the lift remained out of order. I began to wonder if I would get home at all and would I have to pitch a tent for the night. A horrific thought, but if I could claim the camping trip as overtime or lieu, I would be laughing.

For a second, I did consider driving my mobility scooter down the stairs – like the car chase scene in The Italian Job. I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen the film – the original or the remake, so don’t know if this kind of reckless behaviour ends well. In real-life, those involved in the chase, would almost certainly receive a speeding fine in the post and 3 points on their licence – especially as most residential and inner-city areas, carry a 20mph limit.

I soon had a change of heart, deciding against performing the stair stunt. I’ll admit that becoming the love-child of Michael Caine and Brian Potter, is tempting – however, I would still be staying overnight at work, as a result.

Worse still, the stay wouldn’t be in my office. Instead, I would be renewing acquaintances with the nurses on the orthopaedic ward, where I stayed three months ago, after I broke my leg.  I wouldn’t even get any lieu time, and I’d need to buy a new mobility scooter.

Thankfully, it was a good end to the day. The lift was fixed, meaning there was no IT sleepover to be had and I didn’t have to risk life and limb (literally), by riding down the stairs.

Posted by sean on March 28, 2019 at 11:22 pm in Work Activities with No Comments


This afternoon, someone in the office decided to prepare themselves a lunch, comprising of a foul smelling cheese.

Despite the unpleasant odour, it’s probably a delicacy and far more expensive than Dairylea.

I couldn’t help but overhear someone on the Service Desk, shout out asking “Who’s boiling sewage?”.

Posted by sean on November 16, 2018 at 1:42 pm in Life In Bath, Work Activities with No Comments


Upon leaving my house for work, this morning, I discovered that, just feet from my front door, somebody had left a small, sealed black bag. Presumably, this bag was filled with dog poo – at least if it was excrement, I hope it came from a dog and not some neighbour with a broken toilet.

How lazy is that? The dog owner goes to the effort of picking up his pet’s waste (one reason that I will never own a dog*), only to leave it in the street, where it was presumably originally dropped from the creature’s anus.

* yes, I own a rabbit and yes, I do come into contact with his droppings. In my defence, rabbit poo is not messy, stinky or crawling with parasites that blind children. I also don’t have to degrade myself by bending down, to pick up Roman’s poop from the pavement.

The owner shouldn’t have bothered picking up the crap. That’s not to say I don’t deplore the selfish people who leave their dog’s vile, toxic waste all over the street.

Had the raw poo been left, it would have washed away in the rain and eventually decomposed. Leaving it wrapped up, like some horrible children’s party bag, it’ll never decompose and sit outside my house forever more, or until somebody – odds on, not the dog’s owner – disposes of it.

I bet the bag is still there when I return from work, and I bet I run over it with my scooter, having not seen it in the dark.

My morning drama was not over. Thankfully, I managed to arrive at work unscaved. Having evaded the bag of effluence, there were other hazards to deal with, including small children on bikes, adults transfixed by their mobile phones and therefore not looking where they were going, along with vast piles of wet leaves on the pavement.

Bath and North East Somerset Council have no doubt decided to ignore the leaves, rather than paying someone the minimum wage to sweep them up. No doubt ignorance is the cheapest option for my local authority, who are willing to take the risk of getting sued by a little old lady, having smashed her hip to pieces, after slipping on the rotting vegetation.

Having survived an adventure to work, similar to that of a Lord of the Rings novel, I was surprised to arrive early at my desk.

With it being a Friday, I decided to push the boat out and make myself a coffee. Unfortunately, the boat wasn’t the only thing I pushed – my mug, filled with the remains of yesterday afternoon’s coffee, tipped over, as I reached for it. Stale, cold coffee went everywhere. It is amazing how just a small amount of leftover beverage could make such a bloody mess!

Yesterday, my custom built office chair arrived. I have been waiting since April for this chair, which cost over a grand. The second most expensive chair in the country (after The Queen’s throne), avoided being showered in coffee, by literally centre meters.

Cue a quick dash on my mobility scooter to the kitchen, to collect paper towels. I am normally such a careful driver, but in this instance, I would have happily mowed anyone down at four miles per hour, in my attempt to clean my desk.

Half a tree of paper and a bottle of Dettol later, my workspace was clean. No doubt vast quantities of my spillage fell onto the floor; but as a department, we have practically destroyed the office carpet, with drinks and various bodily fluids, during the four years we have occupied the building.

Hopefully there will be no more messy disasters today and I will make it to the weekend unscathed. I doubt it…

Posted by sean on October 26, 2018 at 2:48 pm in Video Games, Work Activities with No Comments


I may have only juat returned work, following a 5 month absence, but I am already plotting a way to get away early…*

The video game, Red Dead Redemption 2, is out today and I can’t wait to play it. The last time I was this excited about a game’s release date was Grand Theft Auto 4. I went to Asda to collect it at midnight. The only reason that I am not doing the same with RDR2, is because… I am now married, I now have a life, I now enjoy sleep and I am now no longer a virgin.

Just to emphasise just how excited I am about the game – I pre ordered it from Amazon in 2016. All those nerds who queued in Asda last night are now saying that I have “out-geeked” them – and they would be right.

The prized game will no doubt arrive while I am at work. It’ll be a long wait until 4.30pm, when I finish for the weekend.

I therefore need an lie, I mean EXCUSE, so that I can leave the office early…

  • Tell everyone that I have to attend a clinic for genital warts.
  • Make up an elderly relative who I am very close to, just never mentioned. Then say that they’ve unexpectedly died.
  • Say that I am needed in an emergency, in my second job – a male prostitute.
  • If the above fails, actually soil myself.
  • My mate Tommy Robinson needs me to be his character witness in court.
  • The “second job” excuse again. This time, a dog sperm collector.
  • My rabbit has a rash all over his body and needs to go to the vets this afternoon.
  • My neighbour’s dog has a rash all over his body and needs to go to the vets this afternoon.
  • I have a rash all over my body and need to go to the vets this afternoon.
  • I had relations last night and need to collect a morning after pill.
  • My cryogenic freezer is going to be delivered today.
  • I am getting married this afternoon.
  • I am in court for bigamy this afternoon.
  • I’ve left the gas on.
  • I’ve left the electric fire on.
  • I’ve left the freezer on.
  • I kneed 2 go 2 a klass 2 inprove mi Inglish
  • My head hurts.
  • My hair hurts.
  • My toe nails hurt.
  • My horse needs to be taken to some water and made to drink.
  • I am on the run and have a $10,000 bounty on my head.**
  • I need to collect my sedation pills.
  • I really need to collect my sedation pills.
  • I F***ING NEED MY F***ING PILLS, RIGHT F***ING NOW.
  • I am going to win the lottery tomorrow and need to collect my winnings.
  • I have a trial at Liverpool.
  • I’m on trial in Liverpool.
  • My grandmother needs me now. She wants me to show her how to suck eggs.

* in case any of my colleagues are reading this, firstly GET BACK TO WORK! Secondly, of course I’m not really planning on ways to bunk off early! I’m far too gutless for that.

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