Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on September 17, 2018 at 9:56 pm in Spiders with No Comments

They say that there are some disturbing things on the internet – men messing with dogs, extreme violence, Katie Hopkins… the list goes on. So far, I have managed to avoid these horrors from the Dark Web – until today, when I witnessed a truly horrifying video on Twitter.

After viewing the upsetting material, I did what any sensible adult would do. I uploaded it to YouTube, so it would gain an even larger audience.

For added effect, I added the Jaws theme to the video, which I have embedded below…

Posted by sean on September 13, 2018 at 10:35 pm in Spiders with No Comments

So, because of yesterday’s scary spider discovery, I took drastic action. Before bed, I sprayed bug killer in the area that the dead body and legs were found. This was more of a preventative method, than anything else – a deterrent for any other spider, thinking of moving in.

I know some of you will still find this hypocritical, after my recent veggie revelation, but I was spraying a can of Raid – it wasn’t like I had shot Cecil the Lion’s mother.

Upon coming downstairs this morning, I saw this in exactly the same place as the previous day’s carcass…

After much shouting, screaming, and me trying to escape upstairs, leaving Claire to face the horror alone; my brave wife got out her trusty Dyson again, and sucked up the dead arachnid. That Dyson is fast becoming as useful as those guns used to capture ghosts on Ghostbusters.

Just look how it contained the beast (and tore its legs off).

The whole ordeal left Claire and I shaken. We then discovered that Roman was equally as scared – my girly shrieks must have startled him. Either that, or he suffers from arachnophobia too!

Posted by sean on September 12, 2018 at 10:37 pm in Spiders with No Comments

I made a very disturbing discovery this morning… In our porch, just outside the front room, I saw a pair of legs on the floor. Before you all worry, Oscar Pistorius hasn’t escaped to Bath from his South African jail. These limbs belonged to a creature – a creature that I can only guess is a spider!

Claire is very house-proud, so as soon as I informed her of the gruesome discovery, she grabbed her beloved Dyson and sucked up the legs. Along with the legs, Claire also managed to find the dead body of a big, hairy spider. Despite being very much deceased, it went up the vacuum cleaner.

I am sure that you are all wondering what the problem is. Yes, we found a spider, but it was dead and is now surrounded by fluff, Rice Krispies and anything else that went up the Dyson’s tube. What’s more, it can’t even escape from the dusty grave, as it is minus two legs, oh and it’s dead!

The problem, my friends, is this – what the hell maimed and killed the huge spider? Whatever it was, is still alive and at large…

Pray for me.

Posted by sean on August 17, 2018 at 12:35 am in Spiders with No Comments

I am blogging again at this hideously late time, not because I am hoping to spot The BFG delivering dreams to my neighbours, but because we have had the first (and hopefully last) spider encounter of 2018.
I was happily dozing and about to fully fall asleep, when Claire leapt out of bed – and I mean LEAPT.

Instinctively, I knew the cause of this reaction. A spider. I was right. Before I continue this horror story, I will say that I would be in the wrong to suggest I have some supernatural, psychic power, to enable me to guess when my wife has spotted an arachnid. The truth is, that whenever Claire shouts or lets out a shriek from another room, I always incorrectly assume that she has been attacked by a spider, when in fact the reality is that she has dropped a cup or stubbed her toe on the kitchen table. Therefore, tonight, when Claire took flight and left the marital bed, I correctly guessed it was a spider, when on another evening, she could have smelt an unpleasant odour and thought that I had broken wind.

Back to the spider… the way Claire described the beast, you would have thought it was as big as a dining plate. “Why don’t we ever keep a dustbin in the bedroon?” I thought, thinking that such an object would be the ideal size to catch something with such a large leg diameter. Never mind a dustbin, we didn’t even have a sodding pint glass in the bedroom! Again, I wished to myself – this time that either Claire or myself were alcoholics, who would have a bedside pint glass. No such luck. Never mind being an ‘alcy’, even my cider drinking days are a thing of the past. The only thing that Claire could find, in order to trap the invader to our bedroom, was a plastic disposable cup. The type you get served orange squash in at a church fête. Marvellous.

There was bad news. By the time Claire had FOUND the cup, she had LOST the spider. If you hate spiders, like I do, a spider missing in the bedroom is the thing of nightmares. Seriously – I’d rather dream of being buried alive by Fred West or eaten by a baboon. Luckily, my hero wife pulled apart our TV cabinet, accidentally unplugging the Sky box in the process, and found the creature responsible for causing so much peril.
Once caught in the barley water cup, Claire took the spider to the bathroom for disposal – out of the window, not down the toilet, before any of you call the RSPCA.

Needless to say, I didn’t ask to see the spider. I wanted it out of the house, quicker than Donald Trump would deport a gay, disabled, unemployed immigrant, without a visa.
I was on the verge of sleep, before the ordeal. Now, to quote Claire, “Well, if I was sleepy before, I f***ing ain’t now!”

Anyway, sleepy or not, I am off to try and rest. I just hope that “thing” didn’t have any friends. As they say on Crimewatch, “Don’t have nightmares”.

Posted by sean on September 1, 2016 at 11:17 am in Spiders with No Comments

It is the first day of September, which means different things for different people.

For some, the start of September spells the end of summer. For others, the kids going back to school. The football transfer window closed yesterday too.

However, for me, September means one thing… spiders. I am sure they have a calendar and as soon as the month begins, all decide to invade our homes – supposedly to mate, but more likely to scare me.

Roll on October, when they disappear again, or die in the cold. Until then, I am going to live in an air-tight box, so no eight-legged being can make contact with me.

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