Treachery, incompetence, greed – just some of the words to describe the ongoing farce at Leeds United. If I had my way, all the staff (bar the youth team and tea lady) would be sacked and not step foot in Elland Road again.

KEN BATES – Chairman
Decrepit old man from Chelsea. A cancer at Leeds United, hiding behind the fact he saved the club from bankruptcy. On hindsight, I would have taken my chances with the administrators. Charing premium Premiership ticket prices for shit. A large percentage of the local Leeds fans are working class and cannot afford £35 a week – no wonder Leeds have poor crowds. I see Bates is now advertising windows for SafeStyle. A tad ironic that he is offering special deals – the Leeds fans don’t see them.

DENNIS WISE – Manager
I never wanted Wise as Leeds manager, however backed him when he took charge, hoping he would turn things around. Five months on and nothing has changed, if anything we are getting worse. Wise seems a nice enough chap, but in reality is clueless, inexperienced and punching above his weight as a football manager. Unprofessional rants to the media about disruptions in the dressing room have not helped Leeds United’s plight. Go back to Chelsea.

KEVIN NICHOLLS – Ex-Captain
Kevin Nicholls is now up there with Eric Cantona, Lee Bowyer and Harry Kewell. Not for being one of the best players to ever wear the white shirt – he’s been shit. Nicholls is now in “The Elland Road Hall of Shame”. Last week, Nicholls approached Wise and asked if he could return to his previous club, Luton Town. Obviously Nicholls isn’t the strong character he likes to portray. He is a weak, feeble “man”, and if his ambition is to play for a small club like Luton, let him go back. Cunt.

ALL THE OTHER PLAYERS (Bar the youth)
Useless, overpaid, overrated, overweight failures. The end of the season can’t come soon enough. Whatever division Leeds are in next year, I hope every one of the current squad has fucked off elsewhere.

Download my mix of Dennis Wise crying to the media.