Tonight, the England National Football Team play a friendly. Who against, I don’t really care. I won’t be watching. I am still yet to forgive the players for the debacle in the World Cup. They haven’t cared about playing for their country for years, so why should I care about watching them? Bunch of tossers.

Therefore, I need some ideas of alternative activities to do tonight, which will guarantee more fun than watching England play…

Watch paint dry
Homebase is probably still open. If I leave soon, I could buy a pot of paint and a wooden board, paint the board and watch as the paint dries. A lot more fun than watching Wayne Rooney do his orangutan impression by yelling at the referee.

Watch Zoo Days (twice)
Never seen it before. It looks like a documentary about zoos and is on Fiver – a channel I’ve never seen. Best of all, there’s a Fiver+1, so once I’ve watched Zoo Days, I can watch it again. By the time the second viewing has finished, the football will have probably come to an end.

Break the kettle
Supposedly a watched kettle never boils. I could put that to the test. Without watching, it normally takes a few seconds to heat the water. By that logic, I could boil it about 50 times in 90 minutes. I could watch and find out. I might even try boiling it with no water inside to see what happens.

Clean the flat
I’ve actually cleaned it already tonight. But I am sure there are some bits of dirt and dust the vacuum cleaner missed! If I crawl around on my hands and knees with pair of tweezers, there’s surely bits of fluff and crumbs stuck in the carpet. Two hours of boredom, but more fun and productive than watching England.

Remember the good old days
I could spend the entire evening on YouTube, watching videos of Euro 96 when the England players actually gave a shit. Look at Gareth Southgate and Psycho Pearce belt out that national anthem. Sadly, things will never be like this again.

Watch rugby highlights
Now that is going too far!