Last night I was robbed. Robbed in my own home. Sadly, you won’t hear about this mugging on Crimewatch. It won’t even be reported in the local newspaper. This is because, apparently, there was no crime.

The perpetrator of the crime-which-wasn’t is BT, AKA ‘British Telecom’, or as I like to refer to them, ‘Bunch of Twats’.

With my house move taking place next month, I have spent the last couple of days cancelling/moving various contracts with utility companies I hold at my current property. All of whom have been very amicable. All apart from BT.

Ending a contract with BT is like telling a teenage-romance that a relationship is over. There are tears, begs of “I can change” and demands of explanations for the break up. Of course, all the emotion came from BT (I didn’t give a shit). Dry your eyes, mate. I know it’s hard to take but my mind has been made up. There’s plenty more fish in the sea.

Maybe the mugging came because I was cheeky. I firmly, but politely told the Scottish operator, “I know you have to do our job and ask the questions, but I really, really want to leave BT, and there is nothing you can say which will make me transfer the contract to my new property, so please don’t ask”. The Scottish operator still asked.

Once Agnes McFadden had finally accepted I was leaving and not coming back, she informed me that I owed BT £30. What for? Disconnecting my broadband, apparently. Presumably this is a big job, which can only be done by a specially trained expert, who will painstakingly spend hours removing me from the service. For that, the £30 would seem justifiable. Something tells me though, it just involves pressing a few buttons, which will probably be done by a seventeen year old, spotty apprentice.

Apparently this £30-thing was in the small print – well-hidden no doubt. I signed up for broadband in 2007 and when I asked Agnes for a copy of the contract from back then, I was told it was not available. Basically, they were taking £30 off me, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Needless to say, I won’t be using or recommending BT. I won’t be using BT Sport, either. In fact, I hope BT Sport goes the way of ITV Digital.

Enjoy your £30, BT. How do you sleep at night?