This was the big day. The one we had all been waiting for. England against Italy. The last time we saw England in the World Cup, they had just been destroyed by Germany. The then goalkeeper, David James, had to bend down to pick the ball up from the back of the net so many times, that he permanently damaged his own back and was forced to retire from football. He went on to play for Bristol City, which is as good as retirement.
I warmed up for the game, by watching Uruguay against Costa Rica. Before the days of Luis Suarez, the only time I had ever heard of the county was from The Simpsons.
The England game started very late – 11pm! I made the mistake in watching the pre-match discussion on BBC, involving Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer. Not a wise move watching when you’re already tired. If they could somehow market those two pundits in pill-form, Nytol would go bust.
I stayed downstairs to watch the first half. Like everyone else in the country, Claire and I cheered when Raheem Sterling scored. I have only realised a few hours ago that his shot when wide and there was no goal.
If you are still reading, you will like football, as if you don’t, you will no doubt have read the blog title and ventured away from this blog to one of your other favourite websites, presumably MySpace or Bebo. If you are still reading, well done for not using one of those dodgy social networking sites. You’ll no doubt also know that England lost 2-1, so I won’t have to bore you with a load of shit opinion and rubbish analysis – I’ll leave that to Mr. Shearer.
Luckily, after the first half, I had crawled up to the slumbers of my bed; so once the referee blew his whistle, I was ready to sleep, while the rest of England fans fought the Italians. I did my bit today. I chucked the Dolmio in the bin.
You’ll remember that last week I dumped chemical weapons all over the weeds on the patio. Today I went into the garden to examine the aftermath. It was devastation. All of the weeds were dying or looked rather poorly – besides the damn dandelions, which had probably grown since Sunday!
It was time to deal with the dead weeds, pull them up and give them a proper burial – in the bin. Most of the weeds pulled up without trouble, however I later ran into great difficulty. One variety of weed proved very difficult to dispose of, even in its death. Despite its lifeless body, sharp spikes remained, making it impossible to pull up without tearing my hands to pieces, or at least giving me an uncomfortable sting. I suppose that means Sean 2-1 Weeds.
Some weeds had even taken on reinforcements, in the form of ants. These ants prevented me from pulling up the weed from the ground, having made a nest underneath. Had I fought them, I would have been attacked and bitten. Still, I’ll see it that I have the last laugh. Next weekend, I will return. If the ants are not gone, I’ll call upon another of my trusty weapons of mass destruction – a kettle filled with boiling water. Bye bye, ants.
A recent blog has landed me in some hot water. No, Sepp Blatter hasn’t sued me (yet). This latest trouble I have found myself in relates to the complaint my blog received. Sadly, the complaint was sent by one of my most loyal readers, Adam, who is now threatening to boycott my blog for life.
“Rest assured, I’ll let you know what time the sandwich arrives and how much I am charged. I’m sure you have sleepless nights if I don’t.”
I think this relates to another blog post I made earlier in the week.
In answer to Adam’s demands question, I can tell him…
The sandwich arrived at 12:37 British Summer Tim
It cost £2.80 exactly. I paid with both a £2 and £1 coin. I received a 20p coin in return (along with the cheddar cheese and pickle sandwich)
I hope your sleepless nights now come to an end and you have a restful weekend.
I stayed up late yesterday – on a school night of all things – to watch the opening game of the World Cup. It had to be done. Brazil versus Croatia. Brazil started rubbish and scored an own goal. The last time Barnsley played Leeds, their fans sung “It’s just like watching Brazil”. At first, I thought it was a strange thing to sing. Now I understand why.
Shortly after the comical own goal, a Brazilian called Neymar stuck out an elbow, smashing his Croatian opponent in the skull. As a Leeds fan, I stood up to applaud the blatant act of brutality – they don’t call my team Dirty Leeds for nothing. The referee didn’t clap the violence. Instead, he brandished a yellow card. In reality, it should have been a red.
Neymar would go on to score an equalising goal for Brazil, before converting a penalty. A penalty awarded for a shameful act of cheating – a dive from his teammate, so embarrassing it would make Cristiano ‘Cheaty McCheat’ Ronaldo vomit with rage. The team mate raised his hands to the Gods, thanking them for the penalty. He should really have thanked whoever bribed the referee as he helped them throughout the course of the match.
OK, I’m getting into dodgy territory here. I don’t want to get sued. The referee almost certainly wasn’t bribed, but a Brazil win would have eased the tensions in the country. Had they got beat, things would have kicked off big time. The victory was therefore good for FIFA. Given the recent corruption allegations they’re facing, who knows? I suspect what really happened was the referee was intimidated by the atmosphere both on and off the pitch – I’d be shit scared with rioting outside the stadium! Perhaps FIFA should have hired a stronger official than somebody I’ll probably see running the line at Bath City next season.
The win didn’t stop all the riots. At full time, the awful ITV pundits, who include Adrian Chiles, of The One Show fame, reported how stones were thrown at their studio window. While the obvious culprit for his act of vandalism would be angry Brazilians, I suspect it could be the England fans, showing their dissatisfaction towards the awful Champions League coverage we had to endure last season.
My blog has been in existence for over a decade. In that time, it has brought unprecedented joy to millions. Do I get any thanks for my hard blogging? No. You’re all welcome though. I don’t run this website for the money, although if you would like to send some, as gratitude, let me know and I’ll tell you my bank account number, sort code and mother’s maiden name, so you can make the transfer.
During my blog’s ten years, there have been zero complaints. OK, there was a Manchester United fan a few years ago who took exception to me having a laugh at his team getting beat by Lille in the Champions League. I mean come on, I was only having a joke. I’ll let him off. Most supporters of that club are of lesser intelligence than everyone else and laughing at their misfortune would be like kicking a three-legged, blind puppy.
However, today, I have BIG NEWS! In my mailbox, I received this complaint.
Dear Sir,
I wish to express my disappointment in a recent article that was published on this blog.
Firstly I have been a regular reader of this blog for a number of years and have been entertained on a regular basis by its whimsical content, digest of local news and events and general bemoaning about a lacklustre ‘football team’ you refer to as ‘Leeds’.
You may however be very close to turning this reader away!
An article published by yourself on the 10th of June 2014 indicating your out of character lack of planning forced you to seek sustenance from an unusual source, namely ‘the sandwich man’.
The very crux of this article being that your rather bland choice of sandwich was unavailable and had to be sourced locally by this ‘sandwich man’.
You clearly stated in your article ‘I’ll let you know what time the sandwich arrives and how much I am charged’
This however does not appear to be the case and my last two night have certainly been sleepless ones!
If this matter is not rectified at your earliest convenience I will forthwith refrain from reading your blog.
Your sincerely
A Butters fan
After giving the complaint much thought, care and attention, I have come to a decision as how it will be dealt with. I have carefully located and highlighted it within Outlook, lifted my right index finger and pressed the DELETE button on the keyboard.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
