While flicking through the TV channels this evening, all of which were filled with low-rate Christmas specials, I briefly stopped to watch one of the many cooking shows that overrun our television screens throughout the year.
This particular cookery programme featured Gordon Ramsey. Ramsey is probably my favourite TV chef, or rather the only one I can tolerate. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is a pretentious cock. Jamie Oliver is a fish-lipped cockney cock; while all the other chefs, I have not bothered to watch for long enough to learn their name or what strange concoctions they are famous for cooking and serving up as food. However, they are probably all cocks.
Even old Gordon was crap tonight though. He was cooking with his kids and mother. You could tell he was getting frustrated when his son made a mistake and nearly ruined the entire meal, while later on in the episode Old Mother Ramsey hovered around her son, constantly telling him what he was doing wrong and how his cooking should be improved.
Not once did the chef famous for swearing let out a profanity. The show would have been a million times better, if after Gordon JNR had added too much egg to the meal, Ramsey had turned around and berated the infant with a tirade of abuse, brutal enough to result in a NSPCC investigation. I know its Christmas and the time for good will to all men, but I would have probably bought the Gordon Ramsey ‘Cooking with the Family’ DVD Boxset if he had stopped his mother mid-criticism, and told her to shut the fuck up and shoved the festive dessert they were preparing in her fat Scottish face.
Sadly, Gordon showed the patience of a saint. Either that or he bottled up all his anger and once the cameras had stopped running, threw Tiddles, the family cat, in the wheelie bin. Or rather given it to Hugh to stick in a River Cottage pie.
The whole street is without power. It has been down for half an hour now.
Worst still, I was cooking my tea at the time – it had not finished and is half frozen – a present for the binmen.
Not knowing when electricity will be restored, I have been forced to make a ‘meal’ comprising of banana, apple, crisps and custard.
For my tea tonight, I decided to make pizza. Yes, that’s MAKE, not DEFROST or ORDER FROM TAKEAWAY.
I cheated a little by using a base mix. Even though I followed the recipe, I still ended up with a sticky mess and nothing which could even resemble a pizza. Half a bag of flour later, I was able roll out the dough.
One of the reasons I rarely cook is because I make a mess. As you can see, tonight was no different.
The pizza came out OK, and as I am not dead after eating it, I think I avoided poisoning myself.
Not happy tonight. I tried to save money and be healthy by cooking my own tea from raw, fresh ingredients – pasta and tomato sauce (OK, the tomatoes were in a tin).
With my Gordon Ramsey cooks head on, I started cutting into an onion, only to find out it’s insides had gone all soft and mouldy – very annoying – especially as I had only bought it two days ago.
As it was the only onion in the cupboard, I had to find something else for tea instead :o(
As some of you know, I don’t like cooking very much. It’s not that I am unable to, it is because I can’t really be bothered – I openly admit that I am very lazy from that respect.
Therefore, I thought it was about time I did something about the “cooking issue” so made a trip into town to make a purchase… It wasn’t a recipe book, neither was it a mail order bride who can cook. I bought a toasted sandwich maker – £12.99 from Argos.
I tested it out this evening by cooking myself a fine dinner consisting of cheese, tomato and onion toasted sandwiches. I will use a tad less cheese next time, it melted and went everywhere. I think there was more cheese on the work surface than in-between the slices of bread!
The sandwich was adequate at best. Can’t really complain though, it was cheap and quick to make. The only problem was that it took all of five minutes to clean up the mess caused by the cooking process – unacceptable.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
