It’s been raining today in Bath. Unsurprising really, as it’s the Glastonbury Festival only a short drive down the road, and that venue is always a mud pit.

I really wanted to go this year, however never attempted to get tickets – maybe I will next year. There are a few things that put me off though – the faeces filled portaloos for one thing. I also don’t like the idea of sleeping in several inches of muddy water, even though that’s the whole spirit of Glastonbury.

If I was to go next year, I would have to get hold of a caravan or a “Max and Paddy Wagon” complete with a dry bed, shower and chemical toilet.

There are of course a lot of good things about the festival. The music, the events, the good old Somerset atmosphere, and just to be able to say “I’ve been to Glastonbury Festival”

If like me, you wish you were there, I have a solution. Here’s what you need…

1) Some buckets of mud
2) Bottles of cider – not the White Lightning stuff
3) Some more buckets of mud
4) A walkman tuned into Radio 1
5) Yet more mud filled buckets
6) Some drugs – If like me you don’t take drugs, just give these to some random hippy type
7) Further supplies of mud
8) Cows, sheep and pigs
9) Yet more mud
10) A cheap tent from Argos

I’m out to buy these things now. I may have some trouble obtaining No.6, will have to pop into Sainsbury’s and buy a bag of Oregano as a substitute.