I got some Census rubbish through the post today. At first I was tempted to chuck it into the ever-growing pile of junk mail, until I learnt of the threat of legal action if I didn’t complete it and send it back to Dave (Mr. Cameron to those who don’t know him).

If I wasn’t at risk of being sent to prison for fraud and raped in the showers, I would certainly complete the form with a few joke responses.

Question 16 – “What is your ethnic group?”
This is wrong for a start. There is a section to class yourself as a gypsy, but only if you’re white. What if I was Chinese but fancied living in a caravan? There’s no option for that! RACISTS!

Question 19 – “How well can you speak English?”
This is an interesting one, with possible answers ranging from “Very well” to “Not at all”. If you couldn’t speak English at all, chances are you wouldn’t be able to read and therefore complete the marketing scam.

It is tempting to simply write underneath
“ i cant reed and i cant rite but that dont relly mater. cos i come from the west cuntree and i can drive a tracor”

Question 20 – “What is your religion?”
We’ve been there and done that with all the sci-fi geeks putting “Jedi Knight”. God, I hate them. I may put my religion down as “Dark Lord” or whoever it is that kills Jedi’s

The funniest one of all is ‘H9’  “How many rooms are available for use only by this household?”
I love the fact the survey actually tells you that cupboards do NOT count as rooms! Although try telling that to Harry Potter.

Finally, and I know this has been covered on thousands of websites, including Facebook, but what the hell is Question 17 all about? If anyone knows or has any suggestions of what I should do with please let me know.