Posted by sean on July 22, 2019 at 7:52 pm in Movies, Ventures Outside Of Bath with No Comments

So, as planned, Claire and I went to the cinema to watch The Lion King.

The experience was a great advert for movie piracy. Not because the film was poor – far from it (more on that later). The problem was our fellow cinema-goers.

The issue with the other Lion King fans, was that they had an average age of about 3 years old. This predictably resulted in long queues of children, waiting to buy Pick N Mix – gram for gram, the most expensive consumable known to man. Seriously, I am sure crack cocaine carries a cheaper street value!

As well as the overpriced sweets, the kids also bought fizzy drinks, ice cream and popcorn. It would have been easier for all those involved, for a doctor to give each child a pill containing the addictives E534640, E134 and WTF209.

Swallowing the pill would have resulted in the devil-possessed bairns becoming equally as crazy as having consumed the sweets, but without causing endless queues for the rest of us.

Popping the ePill would be a bonus for the parents too, given how it wouldn’t cause their precious cherubs to vomit sugary additives all over the car upholstery on the journey home – something that cannot be guaranteed with the consumption of Ice Blast, Fizzy Fish and Crazy Frog ice cream.

It was all too stressful. I just wanted to relax and sit in a dark room for a couple of hours. Ironically, given how I was in a cinema complex, that is exactly where I was going. It was just a shame how I would be joined by dozens of Regan MacNeil clones.

Our final act before heading into the screen, was to pick up some snacks and drinks. We were not the only ones with the same idea. The queue was so long, that NASA were reporting to have spotted it from space.

Upon reaching the front of the queue, I ordered on behalf of Claire and me. A bit of a mistake. The cinema lobby, where we had been waiting was louder than a nightclub on a Saturday night (not that I would know). Plus, I was sat in the wheelchair (any excuse to park in the disabled bay), so a good couple of feet below the counter.

The man behind the till clearly couldn’t hear my shouts of “A KIT KAT AVALANCHE!”. The embarrassing thing about having to repeatedly repeat myself, was that I was convinced that everyone else in the lobby could hear me and were thinking to themselves “That man must really want his ice cream. I hope he hasn’t got a gun – he sounds crazy”

The frustrating thing was that the Avalanche wasn’t even for me – Claire wanted it. Even when my wife did intervene, the man claimed to have never heard of a Kit Kat Avalanche. This is despite huge advertising boards promoting the Kit Kat Avalanche and a large machine, located directed behind him – a machine used for making a Kit Kat Avalanche. Sigh.

I like to believe that there is a quote from Basil Fawlty, to deal with most situations in life. The world’s most useless ice cream vendor, could quite fairly be described in the same way as Mrs Richards – “Deaf, mad and blind”.

Fast forward a good half hour, to find Claire and me in our allocated seats. There is an advantage to taking the wheelchair to the cinema – nobody sat in the same area as the two of us.

We had fantastic seating, plus the Children of the Damned were all sat behind us. I don’t normally rave about how great a movie looks and sounds at the cinema, but I must commend Vue on their excessively loud speakers and fantastic surround sound – it totally blocked out any screams, shouts, farts and cries from behind us.

The film was due to start at 12noon. It started at 12.30pm. This is owing to the fact that we were forced to watch adverts we had all seen on television already, plus the usual selection of trailers for upcoming films.

Imagine if this happened at a train station. The 14:20 Virgin Cross Country pulls into the station. However, nobody can board it until they watch 40 minutes of adverts for Virgin Media, Virgin Wine, Virgin Atlantic, Virgin Girls and Virgin Records. Wouldn’t that just be absurd? It would also be a bloody miracle that the 14:20 actually arrived at 14:20!

There is, of course, a solution. Just turn up 30 minutes late for the movie. Although, you just know by doing that, it’ll be the one time that the film starts when it should have, and you arrive, only to find Simba sobbing over his dead father. You creep in past snotty five-year-olds, off their face on Tangfastics, while their mothers, tutt at your tardiness and how you’re ruining the film for everyone else. Oh, the hypocrisy!

At least some of the trailers looked like films I might actually want to pirate – and if the Internet Police happen to be reading my blog, that is what we call a “joke”.

Claire really wants to see Cats. I must admit, I thought it looked good too, despite it starring James Corden – he seems to be in absolutely everything these days. I rather like musicals. In 1997, while all my classmates were playing air guitar to Wonderwall, I was in my bedroom, dancing and singing to my Evita soundtrack. I still remember the lyrics today, but don’t ask me to jump around like Antonio Banderas.

When it wasn’t Evita, it would be Spice Girls or The Smurfs Go Pop… I know – sometimes even I ask myself how I ended up marrying a woman.

The film I liked the look of was Horrible Histories: Rotten Romans. It’s one of those movies featuring every British comedian you can think of – apart from Jim Davidson (I hope) – either as a major role or a tiny cameo.

Horrible Histories has the potential to be, well, shit. 15 years on, I am still yet to recover from the disappointment and trauma of Churchill: The Hollywood Years.

Now for the bit you’ve all been waiting for. The reason you have read and tolerated all this spiel. My movie review for The Lion King 2019…

There isn’t one.

I don’t do film reviews. In the past, I have found writing them incredibly boring. This blog is kind of a diary for me, with posts about things I’ve done. I never intended to make a movie website, although had I done so, would have closed down years ago. Plus, I don’t think I am that good at writing them.

It’s a bit like putting together a match report of a football game. I would joyfully write page upon page about a dog invading the pitch, but a serious in-depth article on player analysis, tactics and shit? I never pay attention to that stuff when it comes on the telly! You have to remember, as a Leeds and Bath City fan, tactics and shit are pointless to me.

Back to The Lion King. No review. I’m not even going to write much about it, as if I was to put something on this blog, chances are it’s been done a gazillion times before on another.

What’s that? You still want me to put something? Awww, you twisted my arm…

  • Why do all the animals of Africa celebrate the birth of Simba, despite knowing all too well that he will kill and eat them? It’s like users of Air B&B rejoicing at Rose West being released from prison and is renting out her box room.
  • Who is Nala’s daddy? In the wild, the male lion fathers all cubs, killing any that don’t belong to him. Just putting that one out there.
  • The film is set in Africa. Therefore, why do the majority of the cast have American or English accents? Imagine the meltdown from Daily Mail readers if the role of Simba was given to a talented child actor from Nigeria!
  • Thank you to whoever at Walt Disney Towers made the decision to axe this

Finally – a totally random coincidence. I have been off work unwell today. Don’t worry, I don’t plan on blogging from hospital again anytime soon.

Today’s absence did not require the use of a surgeon’s scaple. A day in bed and some spells on my throne – aka the lavatory – have been all that I required.

Why is this a coincidence? Well, after watching the original Lion King in 1994, I missed the next day of school with a stomach upset. Although, I think I know why I became poorly 25 years ago…

Posted by sean on July 15, 2019 at 11:24 pm in Movies with No Comments

Ahead of the release of The Lion King remake this week, a reminder that during the early 1990s, a Walt Disney animator was presumably tasked with drawing a “sexually attractive lion”.

… how the fudge did this manage to get away with a U certificate?

Posted by sean on July 12, 2019 at 5:48 pm in Movies with No Comments

I haven’t been to the cinema since 2013. If I was to ever return, it would take something special to bring me back.

There have been various reason why I have avoided going, which I won’t go into now.

However, when I saw what was being released next week, I forgot all previous gripes and concerns; saying to myself “no worries” – otherwise known as, ‘Hakuna Matata’…

That “something special” just so happens to have come along.

Posted by sean on June 15, 2019 at 11:31 pm in Movies with No Comments

The live action version of The Jungle Book was on telly this afternoon. I’ve actually owned the film for a while, but have never got round to watching it.

Anyway, the purpose of this blog is to ask the question – was the ending fair?

I don’t think I am giving too many spoilers away when I say that the villain of the movie – a tiger named Shere Khan – dies at the end. He is killed by Mowgli.

Mowgli is a child who lives in the jungle. Do people usually live in the jungle? Not normally. Mowgli should be in a house somewhere, playing his PlayStation, like your typical 10-year-old kid.

Shere Khan is a tiger who lives in the jungle. Do tigers usually live in the jungle? Yes they do. Tigers hunt prey. If that prey happens to be a little boy, so what. Mowgli is in tiger territory. If you ask me, Mowgli had it coming.

The other reason Shere Khan’s murder (yes, I am calling it that) is wrong, is because tigers are an endangered species. There are only 3890 of them left in the wild. Thanks to Mowgli, there are now just 3889.

There are 7.7 billion people on the planet. Had Shere Khan eaten Mowgli, the human race isn’t going to cease to exist. He probably wouldn’t even be missed.

So, next time you watch The Jungle Book, think about the impact it has on the tiger species. If you see the film’s creators, throw a bucket of animal blood over them in protest. Actually, please do NOT do that. It is definitely illegal and probably assault. Plus, I don’t want to get into trouble, like Jo Brand, for encouraging a crime to be committed.

Posted by sean on April 30, 2019 at 11:29 pm in Movies with No Comments

So, the trailer for the Sonic the Hedgehog movie dropped today…

When I use the term “dropped”, I’m not being hip or “down wit da kids”. I mean dropped as a verb.

For example:
The turd which had been hanging from the anus, finally dropped into the toilet bowl.

Had a movie about Sonic the Hedgehog been announced 25 years ago, the childhood-me would have immediately dropped into his underwear, with excitement.

Despite me still being a Sonic fan, I was thankfully able to control my bodily functions. Maybe that was because I wasn’t quite as excited as I should be.

This is the Sonic that I remember…

The trailer is nothing like this. At times, it reminded me more of the effects of the ketamine, which I was given, while on the operating table, back in January.

Why is Dr Robotnik portrayed by Jim Carrey?

Do the movie producers know who the character actually is?

A mad scientist, with a morbidly obese BMI, furious temper, thunderous voice and wild hair. Step forward, Mr Brian Blessed.

No doubt the movie will be crap. But kids will pay to watch it, however poor it is. The one thing it may have going for it, is the fact it’ll be one of those films that is so bad, it’s good. OK, not “good”, maybe “average”. I’m sure a lot of people will watch it… once it ends up on those pirate websites.

I think I’ll give the cinema a miss, instead waiting for the Directors Cut edition on DVD. This version is said to include deleted scenes, featuring Dr Robotnik recovering, after Sonic blew up his flying-car-thingy. He suffers some quite horrific third degree burns, which require a skin graft, followed by months of painful rehabilitation.


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