It seems somebody was indeed looking down on the very orange Phil Brown of Hull City this afternoon. Deifying the odds, Hull managed to get their first point in 17 years, taking themselves out of the relegation zone.

Newcastle went back to what they do best – losing football matches – and crawled back into the comforts of the relegation zone, cuddling up next to the Penalty King AKA Gareth Southgate and his Middlesbrough sloths.

It now goes down to the final weekend…

Alan Shearer will make the 5,000 mile trip from the North Pole to Birmingham, where Newcastle take on Aston Villa.

Hull City play host to Manchester United. The Mancs won the league today and ran a raffle during the half time interval at Old Trafford, offering 18 lucky fans the chance to represent their team in the final league game of the season. Phil Brown will be hoping Hull City can beat a team of middle aged, balding, beer-bellied ManU fans, but knows it’ll be a very difficult task given their recent run of bad results.

Newcastle 3-1 Middlesbrough

The whole of Britain, bar Tyneside, let out a loud “awwwww” of disappointment on Monday night, when Obafemi Martins ran onto the pitch and scored the winning goal against hapless Middlesbrough.

It now seems that only a miracle will keep Boro or Hull in the Premier League and send Shearer’s men crashing into the Championship.

I just wish that when Leeds were relegated in 2004, the league consisted of such rubbish as it does this year. Leeds would have ended up comfortably mid table had they been contending with the sewage in this season’s Premiership.

Still, if there is someone looking down on Phil Brown in his sunbed, and Hull City do avoid the drop, sending The Toon Army down; Shearer can always go back to TV, doing what he did best… advertising McDonalds.

Didhedive Drogba yesterday, after a grasshopper sneezed near the dugout

CHELSEA’S Ivorian striker Didhedive Drogba was again in the news, after Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger accused him of “diving” to earn the free kick which led to Chelsea’s first goal during their 4-1 demolition job at the Emirates Stadium in France yesterday afternoon.

Drogba, 31, did eight spectacular rolls and a face plant before being seen to hold his big toe after a sneeze, believed to be from a mouse or a small shrew, sent the in-form striker tumbling to the ground.

Sky Sports cameramen at the scene however put the blame firmly on a grasshopper, seen in the area of the pitch just before the incident.

It was unavailable for comment this morning. Arsene Wenger, despite not seeing the incident, called Drogba’s behaviour “A f**king disgrace” and recommended he be placed ‘on the sex-offender’s register’.

Drogba, whose real name is Gladys Goosecreature, said after the game “I heard this noise, and I thought I had been shot. It was a grasshopper? No, not possible. Did you see that? Did you? It’s a disgrace. It’s a f**king disgrace”.

Drogba missed the first few games of the season after a European heron dropped a small twig it was carrying back to its nest some 29 miles away, causing him to twist his ankle and give him career-threatening bruises.