Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on February 13, 2018 at 7:44 pm in Animals, Have I Got News For You, Life In Bath with No Comments


As I didn’t blog yesterday, I am making amends, by blogging twice today. You’ve already had my post on the joys of online shopping. My second entry is about animals in the news.

There have been two recent stories, involving wildlife in my local newspaper, The Bath Chronicle. The first should really be one of my worst fears, but I just found it a bit weird. A woman claims that she bought a bunch of bananas from the supermarket, only to find it contained a nest of baby spiders. When she rang up to complain, she was asked “What would you like me to do about it?”

I don’t know what such an experience would have on me. At best, I would be a little peeved and would write a blog about my annoyance. At worst, I would burn the house down in fear. In reality, considering mother spider did not seem to be present, I think it would be somewhere in between the two.

My favourite line from the whole story was from the upset woman “In the meantime, I’ve got spiders crawling all over the house. Well, not all over the house, but they crawled out of the cocoon and onto the cake stand and I don’t know where else they might have crawled.”

Me thinks someone was after compensation and was disappointed when she didn’t get a £40 Sainsbury’s Gift Card. I’m hardly one to criticise her – especially after everything I’ve scabbed from Amazon and Tesco over the years, after their crap service.

The second story in my local rag involved a woman feeding seagulls, inadvertently recreating a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, while causing furious outrage amongst Batholians. As if the locals haven’t had enough to put up with, what with the council changing the bin collection to once a fortnight!

Like with the banana spider babies, the seagull story had some amazing quotes…

“She had carrier bags full of crusts!”
CRUSTS! Not CRUSTS! When will this madness end? Will someone please think of the children?

“Hundreds of birds gathered”
Somebody call the police!

“This madness must stop, especially in the lead-up to the nesting season.”
Forget that! GET THE SODDING ARMY OUT!

The final animal story involves lions. Unsurprisingly, this wasn’t in the Bath Chronicle, as lions don’t live in Bath. I was pleased to read a heart-warming story of a poacher being killed and eaten by a pride of lions, in Africa.

I’m not somebody to wish death upon a fellow human, but if you’re that much of a C-U-Next-Tuesday, that you enjoy illegally murdering beautiful wild animals, then forgive me if I take a wry smile if the beasts fight back.

According to the story, only the poacher’s head was left. I hope he tasted nice and that the lions enjoyed their meal.

P-P-P-Pick up a Poacher!

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