A major step forward in the house move was made today. The removal men transported all my stuff from my old flat to the new house. I was totally amazed at how fast they worked. All my possessions – my entire life – was loaded into a van before being driven a mile up the road and unpacked, in under an hour and a half. It was like watching David Attenborough documentary, where locusts strip an entire forest in hours, except in this case my whole flat was emptied and the work was done by men, not insects.
The rest of the day was spent on my own, undertaking the much longer task of cleaning my old flat, ahead of my imminent departure. There was lots and lots of dust, where furniture had stood for over 6 years. I was expecting to find hundreds of dead spiders in the spot of the TV cabinet. There was only one. The dozens I had terminated over the years must have turned to dust. Or been eaten by other spiders. Super spiders.
After filling the bowels of a vacuum cleaner, emptying an entire can of Cillit Bang into the shower and spraying far more Mr Sheen onto the surfaces than is healthy (hallucinations were caused), I can say my flat is clean. Well almost. I’ve still got to defrost the fridge and somehow clean the oven. I must have cooked thousands of pizzas over the course of my tenancy, and rather a lot of mess and stains have been left behind as a result. That’ll be my weekend job. As I said the other day, “I’m Never Moving Again”
Almost the entire Bank Holiday weekend has been spent preparing for the house move. Friday evening, Claire and I ordered a sofa. It is expected to take four weeks for delivery. FOUR WEEKS! Apparently it has to be built especially. Given the wait, I expect it to come from Geppetto’s workshop and to be handmade by Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket.
Saturday was the big day. Key collection day. While sitting in the letting agency, waiting to sign our lives away onto a mountain of forms, I overheard a phone conversation between an estate agent and a potential tenant over the fact no properties existed where she could live with her children and collection of dogs. Despite only hearing one half of the conversation, it was evident the person on the other end of the phone was getting distressed at the thought of not being able to find a property where a landlord would permit her children and dogs to live. That’s life. If you really wanted somewhere to live, you would have them put down (the dogs, not the children).
We eventually got our keys and made our way (without dog) to our new house. We were shown around by a man who took a note of all the faults with the property, everything which was broken and the fact the house stunk of curry. As much as I like a curry, I don’t want my house to smell of it all day and all night. Hopefully after installing five hundred Glade plugins and leaving them turned on for a fortnight, the smell will disperse.
We began to leave the house and go to Twerton Park to watch Bath City. It was then we discovered the locks didn’t work. We had locked the house, with the front door wide open, therefore making it impossible to close. We were going nowhere.
Claire called the letting agency and was told to call a locksmith, which we would have to pay for. That’s when I went mad. I took the phone, and with my most demanding Victor Meldrew type attitude demanded they sort fix it. After a lot of arguing, including me sarcastically asking them the correct way in which I should operate a door lock, before threatening to sue them, we were told a senior manager would come round and fix the lock. They didn’t fix the lock. It didn’t need fixing. We were simply provided with a working key. Not a great start to the tenancy, although I was happy with the resolution and to have a locked door.
Upon leaving the house and locking the front door (correctly this time) an old woman appeared with her elderly dog. She introduced herself. I don’t remember her name, but for the purpose of this blog, we’ll call her Mrs Warboys. In a scene almost identical to that of a One Foot In The Grave episode, she told me that the hot tap bangs when it is in use and advised against using it late at night. Or in the day. Or ever. She said she was going to contact the landlord and make him fix it. I have a feeling we may have a few issues with her, with regards to noise. When I move my stuff in on Wednesday, I will make a conscious effort to leave my big speakers outside the house for long enough to get a good look. She’ll probably call the police.
Sunday was spent back in my old flat doing more packing. As all my stuff isn’t being moved until later in the week, my old flat is surrounded by boxes and bags. I can hardly move around. If a spider is spotted on the floor and hides among the clutter, it’s never being found. My Bank Holiday Monday, traditionally a day of rest, was far from relaxing. Even more packing was done and the always enjoyable task of defrosting the freezer. Oh joy. I’m never moving again.
This evening I watched Sharknado. The plot of the film is simple. There is a tornado. It goes over the sea and picks up thousands of blood thirsty sharks. The tornado comes inland. The sharks eat people. I don’t know if it is based on real life events, but suspect it almost certainly is.
Yes, the acting may not be up there with Robert De Niro’s portrayal of Jake La Motta in Raging Bull. Nor are the special effects as mind-blowing as The Matrix. It would, however, be unfair to criticise a film, proclaimed by many as “so bad, it’s good”. The Internet Movie Database rating of 3.3/10 is also grossly unfair. That stupid Lord of the Rings film got 8.8/10, for fucks sake – almost top marks for a trilogy, over 9 hours long, about people walking! Some people have no taste. If I wanted to spend an entire day watching something like that, I would have turned on UK Gold and watched Last of the Summer Wine.
Love it or hate it, whatever you think of Sharknado, I think we’ll all agree on one thing – it’s better than Avatar. What a pile of shit that was.
I have decided that moving home is hard work. Most of the weekend has been dedicated to it. I left work early on Friday to open a joint bank account with Claire, before going to buy a bed. There were lots of beds to choose from and may factors to take into account. The hardness or softness the mattress, what type of headboard would be fitted and would there be drawers underneath. Other important issues for me included could the bed be easily moved or looked under in the event that a spider runs underneath, and the colour. Any colour is acceptable, but not ‘Manchester United Red’. We chose a bed, which was generously paid for my Claire’s mum.
Organising payment and delivery for the bed was like a scene from One Foot in the Grave. Two sales assistants struggled and bickered over a new computer system, both blaming each other and the software. “You’re double clicking too much”, “You’ve tabbed too far”, “You need to clear the form”. The whole process seemed to take hours. I would normally be concerned, with evening approaching, but was comforted by the fact that even if they took all night to work it out, there were plenty of beds to choose from, should a sleep-over be needed. Thankfully it wasn’t.
The rest of the weekend I carried on preparing for the move, by packing all my worthy possessions into boxes and bin bags. Mostly bin bags. I look like some poor, eccentric simpleton from a Channel 5 documentary “The Real Life Stig of the Dump”, as everywhere in my flat are bags of what looks like rubbish. It looks like a tip. If the bin men were to come into my flat, I would be left with nothing. There’s no worry of that happening, thankfully. The lazy shits won’t step 1 foot into the front garden to collect the household rubbish, so I hardly see them going to the effort of breaking into my flat to dispose of my belongings.
Bath City started their season on Saturday. Away to the world-renowned Bishops Stortford. Franchise scum. Due to packing, I missed the game, but thanks to the wonders of modern-day technology, was able to listen to commentary on the internet. The mighty Romans won the game 2-1. The first time they have won on the opening day since 2006. They won the league that season, so there is surely an omen there. It is also the first time I have missed an opening day fixture since 2006. Therefore, I will be buying a bottle of champagne in anticipation of our promotion party in April 2014. I’ll also stay well away from the opening day of next season – away to Bristol Rovers in the Skrill Premier.
It won’t be long before all my possessions are moved to the new house, including my freezer, which will have to be transported devoid of ice. Therefore, a large part of my diet across the next week is going to consist of frozen food. I’ll probably catch scurvy from lack of vitamins or decent sustenance.
Tonight’s pièce de résistance was Tesco frozen curry. As I had no rice, I added 4 mini potato waffles as a side.
There is still a lot more food to get through across the week, including an unhealthy number of Chicken Kievs in a variety of flavours. I like to maintain a balanced and varied diet.
On this website, you’ll find me blogging (almost) daily about everyday life, living in Bath, working with computers, and the occasional bit of football stuff thrown in.
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