I received a rather disturbing call on my mobile phone this afternoon. At first it appeared to be from my friend Mr. Watkins. However upon answering the call, it turned out to be a very abusive Samuel L. Jackson (yes, the actor from Pulp Fiction, Star Wars and… errr… The Exorcist III).
My first thoughts were that Samuel had stolen poor Mr. Watkins mobile phone and then, in a huge rage made a very abusive call to me, demanding that I go to see his new film Snakes on a Plane.
It turns out that the call was a prank orchestrated by my friend Mr. Watkins using this website. It’s pretty cool really, you put in your friends name and a few details about their occupation, hobbies, etc and Mr. Jackson records you a personalised message which you can send to friends.
Messing around with the website myself, I made this message for George Bush from his good friend lapdog Tony Blair asking him to see the new movie with him. Tony Blair is currently very busy with his holiday job. So busy he couldn’t spend the time today to address the nation following the threat of a major terrorist attack, I am sure he hasn’t got the time to personally call Georgie Boy to see this new film. I’m doing Tony a favour.
Like the call I received, this message is very threatening. For legal reasons, I am NOT personally making the call. If the US wants to send the anti-terror police round following a possible threat to the president’s safety, the man they need to speak to is Samuel L. Jackson.
Damn chavs nowadays. No respect for authority. Yesterday I was going to the local shops to buy something for dinner and passed through a group of them who were arguing with a policeman. The little fuckers were giving the officer an onslaught of abuse. It’s a shame public floggings have been abolished.
After shopping I had to pass the group of chavs, this time there was no policeman to distract them from innocent passers by. As I walked past, minding my own business, one of the fuckers, who must have been 7 foot tall (well, maybe), walked out in front of me and asked if I was “Alrite”. Not wanting him to steal my Tomato and Mozzarella Pasta Bake I acknowledged the imbecile and hurried home.
I bet he wasn’t really asking I was OK. I bet he wanted to rape and kill me. If he sees me again and does do that I hope he kills me first.
After my encounter with the chavs I went to the park for an evening of football with friends. Mr. White turned up to play after his holiday in France. Bike in one hand, can of Castlemaine in another. I was reassured that the country famous serving up frogs legs, snails and horse meat had not changed his ways.
We played for hours, 4-a-side, Mr. White, fuelled by the Castlemaine, his answer to Lucozade played a blinder. Simon (my coach) and Steve bossed the defence while Spratt (my arch rival on the field, now team mate) ran down the wing while I barked at him like a rabid dog, demanding he pass me the ball so I could score – which I did.
I was also accused by one player of being too physical and “a Leeds thug”. Football is a contact sport, if he wants to play pussy football he can go and join The Cristiano Ronaldo Soccer School.
It was a good evening, just a shame there were no football scouts watching as there would be four new additions to the England squad, replacing Frank Lampard, David Beckham, John Terry and Michael Owen.
Mr. White, the “English Ronaldinho” with his alcoholic sports drink
I found this pile of twigs, lolly sticks and leaves in the park.
It reminded me of something from out of The Blair Witch Project.
I’m up in Leeds this evening after watching The Mighty Whites at Elland Road in their opening game of the season against Norwich City.
I have very mixed reactions about the game today. The first half was poor. In their typical, frustrating fashion, Leeds would hoof the ball into the air, hoping and praying it reached a team mate who could perform something of more creativity. Although Leeds managed to take the lead, they were played off the field by Norwich.
The second half was much better. After a dodgy start, Leeds bossed the game, kept a clean sheet and fully deserved their victory and 3 points.
Stand out players for me included David Healy, Shaun Derry, new signing Seb Carole (who ever so nearly scored with his first touch) and my Man of the Match, Matthew Kilgallon. This kid WILL play for England one day. He must be the best centre back in the division. I hope and pray he stays. I will cry if he is sold.
Finally, I was reading the match day programme. They had a page on David Healy, asking him stupid questions about what he likes to do when he’s not playing football. Very much like what you would expect to read in a Smash Hits magazine. One question and answer amused me so much it caused me to start giggling to myself like a mad man in my seat.
“If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?”
I’d like to be a couple of inches bigger.
Some people will say that he is on about height. The immature child in me thinks differently.
Finally, here are a few photos I took from the game
Coca Cola tastes nice at the best of times. Even better if it’s being given away free.
One of Leeds United’s new sponsors. No jokes about rubbish please.
The man on the right is in much need of a wig.
He may be wearing one in which case he is in much needs of a new one.
“You’re going home in a Yorkshire ambulance!”
The Leeds youth players (ball boys). Hands off Chelsea!
The new season kicks off!
Believe it or not there was a game of football today.
Here’s a picture of some men playing it.
That’s what I like to see, the home side winning…
Unless it is at Old Trafford or Stamford Bridge
Mr. Watkins and I went to The Globe pub this evening for dinner. The Globe is famous in these parts for its excellent dish Hunters Chicken, a favourite dish of ours.
This evening, even though we had not savoured the succulent flavour of HC for over 12 months, we both went for different dishes. I went for a creamy chicken pie. A new dish to the menu as I had not noticed it the last time I went. Watkins decided to have the lamb.
I don’t even know if Watkins really likes lamb, he just had it to anger me. Whenever he eats lamb, it gives him terrible wind. Watkins is the gassiest person I know at the best of times, but introduce a serving of sheep meat into his diet and he’ll produce enough chemical warfare gas to keep even the largest of terrorist organisations happy.
As he was coming back to my flat for an evening of GoldenEye with Simon, I was a tad concerned that my lungs would be subject to an onslaught of poisonous gases escaping from Watkins’ guts.
Luckily, the evening went by and there were no major gas incidents from the bowels of Watkins. He has now gone home to Bristol and while he has left his normal aroma in the air, there is nothing which leaves me concerned for my long term health.
Haha Johnny – better luck next time!
The gassy lamb. Beofre consumption
Remains of the gassy lamb
Anyway, I’m off up to Leeds early tomorrow morning for the first game of the season against Norwich City. As always I will be brining my laptop and digital camera so expect a blog tomorrow evening with lots of pictures from Elland Road.
Below is a preview of the upcoming season I started writing this afternoon. If you like football read on. If you don’t this is where the blog ends for today…
It’s that time of year again, the start of the new football season. My God it has come along quick this time. I suppose Leeds United’s extended season due to play offs and The World Cup has made the period with no football a lot shorter.
Leeds start the new season with a few new faces and a few missing from last year. One of my favourite players, Rob Hulse has gone to Sheffield United and the promising youth player Simon Walton has gone down south to the mighty Charlton Athletic. Whether this will improve his long term career is yet to be seen…
Leeds have signed a lad from Brighton, Seb Carole. Apparently he’s a quick, and a potentially decent player. Some player called David Livemore was signed from Millwall but left to play for Hull City within two weeks of joining Leeds – strange one that. Sheffield United striker, Geoff Horsfield has also signed on loan. Don’t know what to make of him. Not much.
None of those new signings fill me with much confidence. The only decent player to arrive at Elland Road is Kevin Nicholls who was signed up from Luton to partner Shaun Derry in midfield. How typical is it that he got injured in his first training session when the fat, slow Leeds captain Paul Butler fell on top of him, damaging his ankles and putting him out of action for 3 months. Grrr…
The Championship is a very strong league this season, even harder than last year. Birmingham, Sunderland and West Brom have come down from The Premiership and all have excellent squads. Crystal Palace, Wolves, Preston, Leicester, Coventry, Norwich, Southampton and Cardiff all look very good and will probably do better than they did last season.
Leeds do have a tendency to play better against teams of high quality so hopefully the stronger league will lead to better performances, I don’t know though…
This time last year I felt very confident about promotion. This season, what with the tough league, coupled with the state of the squad makes me feel a lot more pessimistic. One area which I think needs to be addressed and fast is the manager Kevin Blackwell.
Blackwell has been the Leeds manager for the last two seasons. He has built a Leeds squad from nothing, although he has been given a lot of money to play with, something he seems to often forget in post-match interviews. Even with the money spent on players, Leeds were still unable to reach promotion last season, falling at the last hurdle.
Leeds’ style of play is very frustrating. The 4-5-1 formation Blackwell insists upon playing, along with hoofing the ball aimlessly into the air looks very unprofessional and does not get results. I expect that style of play from lads having a kick around in the park, not in the professional game!
I am very grateful for what Blackwell has done up until now, however I think he has taken Leeds as far as he can. I cannot see Leeds getting promoted with Blackwell in charge. I am sure that he will be sacked at some point this season.
With this in mind I think it is best for Chairman Bates to make a fresh start and bring in a new boss, my preference being John Carver who is currently the assistant manager. In the past Carver worked alongside Sir Bobby Robson in turning Newcastle United into an excellent side. I think he would make a good manager at Leeds.
My predictions for the upcoming season:
CHAMPIONSHIP
To win the league: Birmingham
To finish runners up: West Brom
Relegated: Southend, QPR, Colchester
Leeds to finish: 6th
PREMIERSHIP
To finish as Champions: Chelsea
2nd/3rd/4th: Liverpool/ManU/Arsenal
Relegated: Wigan, Sheffield United, Reading
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Winners: Barcelona
I had to go to the dentist this afternoon for both a general check up and a visit to the hygienist. I tell you, meeting the hygienist is the worst thing you can have done at the dentist. Give me twenty fillings, rip out my wisdom tooth, neither come close to a visit to the hygienist.
I lay back in the chair, wearing a bib to prevent the blood, bone and cartilage from staining my shirt while the hygienist hacked away with her miniature pickaxe, tearing and shredding my gums to pieces. When she had finished I spat the contents of my mouth into the nearby sink. There was so much blood it was like something from out of a horror film.
After the hygienist I went into the next room to see the dentist. He took 2 minutes. I then went downstairs to pay. The bill came to over £50. £15.50 was the charge for the 2 minutes I had spent in the dentist’s chair. They get paid more than fucking footballers…
Let’s assume the dentists are open 24 hours a day and always have customers who require treatment. At £15.50 for 2 minutes works, that’s £465 an hour, £11,169 a day, £4,073,400 a year. I’m in the wrong job.
I caught the bus home, my mouth feeling like I had just been head butted by Zidane. Some old man in front of me lit up a cigarette. He obviously knew we were not living in the 1960s anymore and smoking on the bus was illegal, so he hid the fag under his seat.
Stupid fool failed to comprehend that when you light a cigarette it produces smoke which rises and fills the surrounding area. Well done to the young children at the back of the bus who started coughing very loudly and making the black lunged son of a bitch feel like a twat.
I felt a little sorry for him really. He had grey skin and nicotine stained fingers. He hadn’t been on the bus three minutes, but still couldn’t last that without lighting up a cancer stick to feed his habit.
Stay in school kids. Keep of the crack. Keep of the fags.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
