Last week, I was caused more than my fair share of “mild peril”. Had the last week of my life been dramatised onto DVD, it would probably be given a 15 certificate for disturbing and frightening scenes. Yes… spiders really can be that scary.
Not one, but two invaded my flat last week. The first was waiting for me on the carpet as I walked in the door after football. It was rather late, so perhaps the spider thought it was my wife and was complaining about the time I had come home after football. Whatever. I had to deal with it. I chickened out of using my spider catcher and called upon the bug spray.
The next morning, “mild peril” turned to “shit your pants scary”. While dressing for work, I picked up a pair of trousers from the floor. A black ball fell to the carpet with a thud (no, I’m joking). Puzzled as to what this dark object could be, I studied it closely, only to jump back in fear when the black ball sprouted eight legs. Cue more bug spray and a glass to trap the beast for the day, while I went off to work.
Those people who say spiders are more scared of you than you are of them are clueless idiots.
When a mummy tomato and a daddy tomato love each other very much…
… well, my iPhone is.
I think it may not be very well.
Swanage. Famous for giving the world Basil Fawlty. OK, that was John Cleese, who himself incidentally came from another seaside town, Weston Super Mare. No, we are told in one episode of Fawlty Towers that “Mr. Faulty” comes from Swanage (not Barcelona). I digress.
“Why are you going on about Swanage?” I hear you all ask. Well, there is a reason for it. On Tuesday, I went to the Dorset town with John and Simon. I have been meaning to go to Swanage for a long time. Since I was a young child. When I was 10, I moved from Bristol to Bath. Everyone in my new class in Bath was going away for a week to Swanage. However, having moved from Brizzle midway through the school year, I missed the chance to go.
I was gutted. I say that, I wasn’t really. As I remember, I took the week off anyway and stayed at home playing video games. I think I remember that I completed Sonic 2 and got all the Chaos Emeralds, so time well spent! Despite all this, I always promised myself I would go there one day. I know that sounds a bit sad and pathetic. Many people aim to visit the pyramids of the Great Wall of China. Not me – a trip to the Dorset coast will suffice.
So what’s there to do in Swanage? As it pissed it down for the vast majority of the day, there wasn’t a lot. A lot of time and indeed money was spent on the 2p machines in the amusement arcades. We tried our hand at crab fishing. Nothing was caught, although various jokes about sexual transmitted diseases were made (crabs – geddit?). We also ate ice cream in the pouring rain which felt very English, before going home via Nandos. In case you were wondering, Swanage doesn’t have a Nandos. The closest it has is a Wimpy, which we also went to.
I am tempted to give up work, spy on members of the public and write about what strange things they do. David Attenborough does it with animals, so why can’t I do it with people? They do loads of strange stuff. Take for example Monday. While waiting for a lift to football, I saw an overweight, middle-aged woman run across the road. She nearly got run over by various cars. She then ran/waddled into the newsagents, only to emerge a few minutes later, clutching a packet of cheese crackers in her chubby fist. She then proceeded to open the packet, devouring its contents. While doing so, she wandered out into the road, yet again nearly being killed by cars, before walking up a side street – in the middle of the road! A car then drove up behind her. The woman, more interested in her snack than safety, refused to move out of the way for the vehicle, which had to sound it’s horn. This enraged the beast, went on to wave a fist and shout profanities at the driver, spitting crumbs of biscuit from her mouth.
What was most disturbing about this entire story is that after eating her fill of biscuits, she entered a car of her own and drove off. I stepped back from the pavement and hid behind the safety of a wall.
It seems preseason football friendlies are being played even earlier with each season. The way things are going, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the first friendly played before the previous season has even finished.
On Monday night, with spring barely over, I travelled to Bishop’s Cleeve for the first game of the 2011/12 Football Season. I last visited Kayte Lane two seasons ago when City played, and beat, Bish’ in the FA Cup.
Needless to say, the friendly was less exciting than the FA Cup game. City lost the game 3-2. Luckily the result was meaningless, unlike the FA Cup match of 2009.
It’s still well over a month until real, competitive football starts again; but until then, I will no doubt keep myself entertained with some of the other friendlies served up. Friday evening is Bristol Rovers at home. A tad more prestige than Bishop’s Cleeve. But only just.
In other football news, Bath City’s fixtures were released yesterday. Not a great deal to say about them at the moment apart from one thing… Barrow away on a Tuesday night in March? WHAT. THE. FUCK?
Going by the fact both Facebook and Twitter exploded this evening, can I assume that the tennis player everyone in Britain has been getting exited about has lost? Does this mean less tennis will be on TV? Now I know how football widows feel when England get knocked out of the World Cup.
On this website, you’ll find me blogging (almost) daily about everyday life, living in Bath, working with computers, and the occasional bit of football stuff thrown in.
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